Mike

Funny of the day.

478 posts in this topic

A young man from Arkansas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.

 

 

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

 

 

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."

 

 

So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.

 


About two-thirds of the way through the

semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

 

 

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.

 

 

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

 

 

"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

 

 

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

 

 

The money promptly arrives.

 


The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.

 

 

She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog.

 

 


 


When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.

 

 

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

 

 

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

 

 

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

 

 

The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying **** dog before he talks to your Mother!"

 

 

"I sure did, Dad!"

 

 

"That's my boy!"

 

 


 


The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States , and you already know what a lying ***** his girlfriend turned out to be!


JohnC, 66sprint6, mstrpth and 6 others like this

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I'm renaming this Funny of the day.  I'll do my best to add one a day.  Feel free to beat me to it.

 

History Lesson
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
 

mstrpth and ls1adam84 like this

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Second day and I almost forgot.  This is the first really funny story I read on the internet.  Still makes me laugh.


 


Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:


Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.


Here are the scorecards from the event:


CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI


JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.


JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.


FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.


JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.


FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.


JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.


FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.


CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.


JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.


FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.


CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.


JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !


CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.


JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.


FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!


CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.


JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.


FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ****, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI


JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.


JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.


FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

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23 minutes ago, Mike said:

I slacked for a few days.

12195896_963558670366575_540042525695691

YES!  "Clutch" and "Dump" used together, correctly!!   *AshleyP hears an engine at redline....then...BAM!...less than redline and 30 mph!"

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